From the Winter 2004 Newsletter:

Still Trying...  After All These Years

By Wendy Bauers Northrup

The children are gone; my husband, Steve, and I are both working; we feel wealthy.  After so many years of never quite having enough, how do we now live our values of not giving in to a consumer culture, when at last we can afford to do things we couldn't before?  This is a new challenge, and one we feel as grandparents as well.  The pull of the consumer culture is as strong as ever, especially now that we can afford to buy a little more.  So I thought I might look at it from our perspective as empty nesters, as parents, and as grandparents.

Steve and I do buy things we never used to an it is nice not to have every session of paying bills quite so tense.  But we do try to keep our values straight as we make decisions.  For instance, we now find ourselves asking what is important to us in our leisure time.  This was a non-question when we were raising children.  I still remember the first Saturday morning I found myself alone, all the children having managed to get themselves to their own activities.  What did I like to do on Saturday morning?  I had no idea.  But now I do know how I like to spend my time.  So we need to reflect more on the value of  our leisure activities.  Do they provide opportunities for exercise?  Do they help us stay healthy and fit?  Do they correspond to our need not to belong to groups that exclude others on the basis on ski color, religion, or gender?  Asking these kinds of questions helps us make decisions that we can feel good about.

As parents, our challenges are new as well.  Now all our children are on their own.  But we want to be involved in their lives in healthy ways: ways that don't make them dependent, ways that maintain their sense of well being.  We were fortunate to be able to pay for college.  That felt like the last major gift we had to give.  But we decided not to help with graduate school.  It felt to us like that was an investment that they should make in their own future.  However, there are things that are important to us that we continue to help out with:  doctor's appointments that aren't covered by their healthcare; an exercise program for a child with a weight problem; a trip to a wedding we think they should attend.  I  still struggle a little with Christmas, but I am trying to get each child only one gift of something that they will enjoy and that fits with my values.  This is the one time of year I find more difficult!

With our grandson, we have found it surprisingly easy to be quite responsible.  For one thing, we decided that our major gift for him would be contributing to a 529 Plan to help pay for his future educational costs.  Education is one of our major values, and his parents as well.  I never hesitate to order a book and send it.  He just called us after he learned to whistle and I sent him Ezra Jack Keats "Whistle for Willie."  For his birthday and Christmas, books are a major gift.  With gifts in general, I try to think of items that foster creativity and imagination; and to limit the purchase to one for each occasion.  I'm lucky that my daughter has these same value, so we don't run the risk of disappointing.  I have to admit that I have splurged a little in making our home a place he likes to come to.  I have a swing set now that I dreamed of when my children were young, but could never afford.  And half the books I buy for him are for my house.

The pull of the consumer culture is always with us, and it takes regular focus to keep it in its place.  I haven't always done it very well but it's something that I continue to think about and try to keep at bay.

Wendy Bauers Northrup, a longtime member of the Institute, has three grown children and one grandson and lives in Ashland, VA.